Ahh, so tired the day after Halloween, always so tired. But this was extra, I had bad cramps all day and zero motivation to either take down Halloween or work on my NaNoWriMo. I hadn’t done any of my usual October prep. I hadn’t assembled a list of people and place names, I hadn’t thought about it… at all, really. I still haven’t re-read No Plot? No Problem! or made a cute graph in my bullet journal.
I’ve been depressed, since last November really, it comes and goes in waves and I’m functioning and happy fairly often now, but it’s holding me down a bit. November and December are months filled with happy things I love and memories that hurt a lot. Every single thing is about finding a balance. I’m trying super hard.
In the evening, when Shaun was home and working on studying for his test the next morning, I managed to write for a bit and got 1,147 words, which is a start.
Here’s the last sentence I wrote:
Maybe there would be a friendly young face, not a beau, but a village girl to gossip with, someone her own age so that she wouldn’t be as lonely as her friends insisted she would be.
If you’re interested in daily excerpts, favorite lines and stuff, I’ll be posting them with my daily 365 photos on my Patreon at the $1 level. <3
1147 / 50000 words. 2% done!
I’ve really just been doing the bare minimum to keep on top of all of my projects this month. I’ve been vacillating between anxiety and depression. I haven’t been depressed in a while. There was a weird moment of relief, when it first hit me, because anxiety for me is caring a lot and depression is not caring at all. I’ve decided I like anxiety more, though. I can be anxious and happy, I have a lot to show for it when I’m anxious, I’ve been doing it for so many years, I’m very good at it. My depression is mean, too, it’s a voice in my head that says really nasty things to me about how nothing I do or have ever done has mattered. Anxiety tells me it all matters too much, that I can’t give up, that I just have to try harder every day. This is how I have learned to live with it. Up until this past couple of months, I was actually doing really, really well with it, the motivation to DO was there and the bad anxiety stuff was very mild, easy to dismiss, unimportant.
I had a bunch of really bad, 0 words days this month, but because I was depressed, I didn’t really care. A few days ago I was sobbing while cooking dinner, facilitated by PMS, and I think it was one of those mythical good cries. I’ve had maybe three of those my whole entire life. I said all of these things aloud to Shaun, and per usual, he made me feel better, because he’s very good at looking at the logical sides of things, and he knows me so very well. I feel like I turned a corner and things are going to get better. The next day I wrote 2,836 words on my NaNoWriMo. The day after that (yesterday) I wrote 7,108 words, passed 50k, kind of brought the bit of story I was writing to some sort of resolution and won NaNoWriMo for the 11th time.
I’m trying to take today off, but I keep mentally going over all of the things I neglected to do this past month, so good to know I’m firmly back to my anxiety, I guess. Maybe I’ll write them in my bullet journal. That usually helps.
Here are some pictures I took this month: